Skin Deep

Hi, how’re you? Fine right? That’s the usual, everyday response to the question. Even if we’re not, we usually go with “I’m fine, just that I had a fight with a friend, feel a bit lonely now and then, etc..” and then we smile and go with “But how’re you??”

I’ve had a lot of accumulated emotions over the following topic, and I just had to type it out.

I just finished watching this new series “13 reasons why” (Because I watch a lot!), and if you haven’t seen it yet please check it out. It’s about a high school girl who commits suicide and leaves behind a series of tapes for certain people in which she records why they were a part of her decision to give up. It’s quite powerful even though the scenes are filmed from the viewpoint of a teenager living perhaps a typical high school life in America. I was particularly relieved when I confirmed that it wasn’t based on a true story. But it might’ve well been. I understand that media these days are quite extreme and exaggerated, but if we look at them as works of art; we can certainly see them as a hyperbole for what goes on in the world today, and there is a saddening reality to it.

You may say “that’s what’s wrong with the western culture, families are too detached, etc..” Firstly, the western influence is spreading madly across the east. I’ve been to school both in India and Sri Lanka, and looking back I’ve seen that almost everyone in school looked up to the west for a standard of behavior, and catching hold of the latest trend. Secondly, we tell ourselves that we are proud of our heritage, our traditions and customs. How our families are always together. How ‘nuclear families’ are only a recent concept. But none of that makes our culture bulletproof to the problems that youth are facing in any way! A vacant security of family does not translate into trust, or transparency. Further in a country like India, I would say such issues are misdiagnosed, pushed to the side and ignored because you know: “how can that be?” With the education system prepping us to not think for ourselves, parental pressure to enter “the top 4 professions deemed worthy of bringing pride” and peer pressure; along with that the added pressures (deadlines) and expectations for a girl in India.. Our youth are in far more trouble than we think.

In my life so far, I’ve known one person who committed suicide due to the stress of board exams, and 3- 4 people who attempted it due to depression/ relationship issues. Yeah, that’s serious stuff. They’re people I’ve seen around, said Hi to, talked (small talk) now and then.. And each time, I felt I was partly responsible. That we all were, our society. Our mandate as Christians. Even earlier this month a 24 year old male jumped from the Taj hotel Mumbai after streaming himself live on facebook first..

I want to bring up this ideology, or this theory I have. It’s about having genuine conversations. I will not pretend to be an expert on human conversations, mostly because I’ve been an introvert for most of my life. In fact most of what I do know is cause I observe others talking, figuring out what makes people laugh, and wondering what there is to talk about. Think about your day, and what exactly you talk to people about. Is it mostly about events, news, what’s gonna happen next, yourself?

Someone out of the blue once asked me: “when did you feel most loved today?” I couldn’t give an answer, mostly because I’ve never heard of such a question, nor have I had to think of such things. You see what I mean? A bunch of friends, families even could go through years of knowing each other, without being able to share the essence of who they are, their visions, ideas, passions. I’ve seen it happen. It’s cause small talk takes over, the deceitful need to keep rambling to avoid ‘awkward pauses.’ I’m generalizing of course, but it is there.

We’re used to saying so many things which may not make a difference in anyone’s life that when it comes to moments of passion we help ourselves to lines from the movies. Talk people, talk! Talk to your parents, tell them how much you love them. Get to really know your friends and share what you feel about them, don’t just post it in FB. No its not awkward, It’s the highest potential of human interaction, to be genuine. It’s what we were meant to do. It’s how we can surpass the list of things unsaid and hold on to each other; and God knows we need each other!

I’ve heard somewhere that the commonest reason of conflict is misunderstandings; and I agree with that. Have you seen Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd? Quite gruesome to some, and the music is quite fantastic (Stephen Sondheim) but for me it’s a perfectly written tale depicting how misunderstandings can lead to an extreme of conflict! We very often misunderstand how someone is feeling, or their circumstance. We fail to think how it is to be in their shoes. All of this can simply be avoided by telling people what they feel. I’m not saying be blunt, or sugar coat it. Talk about the why, and it will lead to a deeper understanding and a chance to actually know the person for real.

I’m not sure what I mean to say at this point, only that we can’t let anyone in our community be without genuine friends. Friends that know and value your beliefs and visions, of how you look at the world and what you want to change about it. After all isn’t that what we’re all trying to do, in our own small way. It’s the only play we have at bringing out the best in a person, and that is important or people look for alternatives to make them feel better, or worse; an exit.

As Christians, isn’t our belief an integral part of who we are and what motivates us to do what we do? (or supposed to). I’ve been ashamed of the gospel a number of times so I understand this quite well. Because if it is, having genuine conversations would mean a lack of hesitation to talk about Jesus…

In a country like India, I am scared about the fate of individuals we’ve chosen not to take the time to know and involve. Because we know that here, we wait for something drastic to happen to initiate any sort of movement. And mental health is buried so far beneath the ground, it will keep being trampled under the feet of people on the top who are more concerned about whether we eat non- veg.

So talk. Really talk. Don’t spend a lifetime of regretting things you didn’t say. Don’t sit back and exclude people, they may need help; perhaps you need theirs. This world is full of varied people with the craziest of passions and dreams. Only if we know and encourage each other can we believe it is possible, no matter what CBSE tells you. Don’t let your interaction only be ‘skin deep’. We’re not needed to be superficial, there are enough sources in the world to give us that.

If we don’t, we loose touch. Jack Johnson describes it quite well: “Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singing from at all.” – All at once.

Eric Williams